So I’ve been forced into taking a couple of days of classes after three anxiety attacks this weekend. I’m not sleeping, eating erratically and just generally all over the place. Looking back at it now, I was running myself into the ground. I was burning myself out: always working on assignments, practicing songs, never doing anything that wasn’t related to my course. So I’ve been ordered to take a few days to rest and relax and then hopefully I can go back to classes on Thursday.
I’m not very good at relaxing.
I’ve got the verses and I know what I’m talking about. I just can’t summarise it into a chorus. I’m trying to describe and write about that feeling when you know your relationship is over, you know it’s going to explode in your face but that doesn’t mean you’re going to do anything about it because if you end it now, it’ll hurt now rather than hurting later. It’s all about that epic, compulsive, all consuming emotion but I just can’t fit all of that into the one sentence of the hook.
It’s driving me crazy.
I have never, ever been able to write a love song. Anyone got any ideas or tips? (Psst, taylorswift, any advice?)
You know, I never truly, truly understood the taylorswift lyric ‘so casually cruel in the name of being honest’ until now. It was beautiful but now I know exactly how it feels.
Anyone thinking of going to the Country2Country Festival next March?
I am emotionally not ready to cover Out of the Woods. I need more time to listen to it at top volume and be in awe of the fact that taylorswift somehow described exactly how I feel.
I just walked my dog in the pitch black, dancing along to Out of the Woods by taylorswift. Do I care if anyone saw me?
(No joke, this song is how I feel right now.)
I’ve been feeling awful today.
My course is great and the people are really cool but I guess I just really miss being around people I know and people who know me. I’m so exhausted from pretending to be happy and fine and composed. I don’t want to be the one who everyone remembers as the girl who cried in the first few weeks. But I’m so tired and so lonely. I feel so out of place, like I just don’t fit. I’m sure everyone says this about their first weeks or months at university, that it looks like everyone else is doing fine while they feel like they’re floundering but that doesn’t make the feeling any less valid. That how I feel. Everyone’s done studio work and is gigging and I’m just there on the sidelines, desperately trying to simply stay afloat. I’m not saying I want to career to be taking off. I just want to be moving forward, to even know which way forward is.
I just feel like I have no idea who I am: who I was before I had depression and severe anxiety, who I am now on the drugs, who I’ll be when I’m taken off the second drug. My mind is spinning and I feel like I don’t know which way is up. I don’t know who I am and I’m not even really sure what I’m doing here. With all these new people, I’m currently having to present myself for people’s first impressions and it feels impossible to present myself as someone good, as someone I want to be when I have no idea who I am in the first place. Everything is moving so fast that I feel like I don’t have enough time to figure it all out.
I’m so tired. I got three hours sleep last night. The only side effect left from the drugs is insomnia and I just wake up at some stupidly early hour every morning, regardless of when I went to bed. I’m getting to the point where it feels like, even when I have my eyes open, I can’t really see because my eyes are just too tired to see.
I want to go and talk to one of my teachers about all of this, ask for some advice and just have someone in the building should I ever need someone. I don’t know any of the students well enough to share any of this. They know I’m on medication and some know it’s for anxiety but I can’t share any of this. I don’t want them to know me as this. But I’d hope a teacher wouldn’t judge. Having said that, the last time I confided in someone like that, it exploded in my face, got me in loads of trouble and caused me serious mental trauma. I’m still not over it, four months later. I’m scared that if I trust someone again with information like this, even if they’ve asked me to, the same thing will happen again. I don’t know if I can survive that again. And what’s worse is all of that is starting to make me doubt my own judgement, like, how do I know if I’m right to trust someone? How do I know that what I feel about them is right? I don’t feel like I can trust myself anymore.
I’m so tired of all of this. I walk around all week, smiling and talking and then I get to the week end and retreat, hiding inside my head or a book or behind lyric sheets. I wish I could write about all of this. I wish I could describe it exactly as I feel it. But that’s where words fall short, isn’t it? Sometimes they just aren’t enough to describe how deeply we feel things.
I just don’t understand some people.
If people can look at us and see more than our imperfections, why can’t we do the same?
I Just Want You (Sara Bareilles Cover) - Lauren Alex Hooper
I know it’s been a long time but it’s been a rough summer. And moving forwards, I’ve started a degree in songwriting which is so much fun. Even though there’s a big workload, I want to get back to youtube and the first step of that is uploading a new cover.
This is one of my favourite Sara Bareilles songs and after hearing her talk about it and tell the story that inspired it, I loved singing it even more so here is my cover. I hope you like it.
Everytime I see taylorswift referenced in the course material for my degree, my internal Swiftie started shrieking. It’s hard to keep it internal.
So Far Untitled.
I miss you especially today my beautiful girl. It makes my heart ache.
I shouldn’t be allowed to post on Tumblr when I’ve had less than six hours sleep.